In an effort to receive as many possible hottie dogs as possible, Buddy “Fat Bastard” knowingly lied about his name, weight, age and breed. On his Web site’s profile, Buddy is listed as “George” the stinkin’ sexy Boston Terrier whose interests include sniffing Jack Russell Terrier tails, lounging poolside with a pack of hot-to-trot Dachshunds with a side of French Poodle and dining on Purina’s nutritional premium blend while offering his date none. “Mood swinging French Poodles turn me on,” barked Buddy, disguised as “George” the stinkin’ sexy Boston Terrier (see image below).
Buddy and his lucky new online date will secretly meet in Norway and have an artic adventure. “I’m married, so I have to sneak off with the bitch,” explained Buddy. “We’re going dog sledding,” he added. Buddy plans on skinny dipping with his new pooch in the Hilton Hotel’s hot tub. “For an affair to be effective, it’s vital to show them romance,” howled Buddy.
UPDATE: Buddy was caught cheating on his new online bitch with a Norwegian polar bear. Two Tail and Eight Paw Productions, Inc. is a screenwriting company with interests in exploiting Buddy “Fat Bastard” the Beagle in every media facet possible.
Five-year-old Buddy the Beagle a.k.a. “Fat Bastard” was arrested around lunch time at the new Hill Country Gallery Bee Cave, Texas Victoria’s Secret store for humping their big ass pink and white polka dot dog.
Store officials described the scene as utter chaos. “Teenage girls were laughing and calling our polka dot dog a slut and scores of our Go Wild Very Sexy ® panties were littered across the store with their crouches eaten out,” a panicked Miss Store Manager told Cee Cee Writer of the Dirty Dog Daily. “We caught Buddy in here last week nosing around our flirty, charming Cheekies; he’s one disturbed dog,” Miss Store Manager said. “We asked Buddy why he didn’t chew up our new Victoria’s Secret Pink bra line, but he replied without remorse that he was an ass woofer.”
Judge Olgethorpe P. Bushwakker III was going to let Buddy off on good behavior, but Fat Bastard is not known for civil conduct. Buddy the Beagle’s lawyer, Legal Beagle from the offices of Howling and Barking, defended his client by stating the Victoria’s Secret panties were three for thirty-dollars and that his client had to take a piss. Upon announcing Buddy’s incarceration, the Beagle howled and barked in court “I’m a perfect angel,” and then nonchalantly sauntered over to the judge’s bench and pissed on his exposed leg. Buddy will be confined in the Austin City dog pound for twenty-four hours. His owner, Austin Girl, must reimburse Victoria’s Secret for the thirty pair of crouch-less panties. And the Victoria’s Secret pink and white polka dot dog secured a retraining order against Buddy the Beagle for assault with a friendly weapon.
Buddy claimed he has been both a loyal customer and delivery dog improving the pizza chain’s image for three days.
“To borrow a quote from my hero, Lester in the Oscar-winning movie American Beauty, ‘I’m looking for a job with the least amount of responsibility,’” snapped Buddy in retaliation.
Domino’s executives would not comment on the issues surrounding Buddy’s sudden departure. “Whimps! Pizza whores! I have a new job as a refrigerator repair dog starting Monday,” yelped Buddy the Beagle.
Click Wine Group Attn:
Peter Click, President & CEO
808 Howell St. 5th Floor
Seattle, WA
98101
Dear Mr. Click:
I have a bone to pick with you… I got my paws on a bottle of your Fat Bastard wine.
First, let me compliment you on developing a first-class wine that goes well with Science Diet and after dinner treats; it’s a real tail wagger. However, you have stolen my nickname, which my owner has given me and that makes me “hot under the collar.” Now, when my owner calls out – where’s Fat Bastard? – she’s no longer referring to me. Nonetheless, I remain a proud Beagle/Blue-Healer mix who was Oklahoma born and bred.
In view of the fact that you are using and exploiting my nickname “Fat Bastard” to market your product, I believe legal action is merited. You have violated my publicity and trademark rights and defamed me in the process, which has caused me to suffer great mental and emotional distress. This was confirmed by talking to my cousin, Legal Beagle with the Law Offices of Howling and Barking. And, in lieu of unleashing my Legal Beagle on you (she’s a real bitch), I offer other alternatives in settling this dispute – so it doesn’t turn into a dog fight.
I prefer to spend most of my days lounging on my couch and not fretting on your infringement of my nickname, so in the spirit of “if you can’t lick ‘em… join ‘em”… I am offering to drop all my rights to my nickname… “Fat Bastard” in exchange for one (1) case of Fat Bastard wine to be delivered to my dog house annually and my image on your wine labels (and this ain’t no DOG SHIT!).
To prove my claim to the nickname, “Fat Bastard,” I have included an 8 x 10 glossy. When this contention is amicably resolved, I will stop snarling at the sight of Fat Bastard wines. My owner LOVES her Fat Bastard! (That’s me and your wine).
Sincerely,
Mr. Buddy “Fat Bastard” Austin, TX
P.S. I am available for press conferences and photo sessions, but you will have to bring Fat Bastard and rub my belly! If anyone would like to order an autographed copy of this letter signed by Buddy "Fat Bastard" Beagle... please email Austin Girl Blog at. Cost is $5 (includes S/H unless outside U.S.)
What you will receive: (1) 8x10 originally printed letter on 100# white linen paper signed by Buddy's paw (unframed) (1) 4x4 color glossy postcard of Buddy "Fat Bastard" the Beagle either donning a pink ballerina Halloween costume or just looking fat.
Fat Bastard’s Gas Heats 15,000 Homes
By Austin Girl 
Chevron Corporation has discovered the source for the declining ozone layer, debunking popular myth that manufacturers and automobiles have played a vital role in global warming. “Buddy Fat Bastard’s ass was found to contain high levels of methane and sulphur gases,” said Chevron’s Chairman and CEO, David O’Reilly at a news conference, which was held in a secret location.
“Our team of research scientists was flying over Texas when their ‘Who’s Messin’ with the Ozone Layer’ detection device went nuts,” explained Chevron spokesperson, L. Nicole Ross. Using a high-pencil-strength-steel gas pipeline, Chevron will downstream Fat Bastard’s gas, heating 15,000 homes across the United States. “Fat Bastard has saved Antarctica. Hell, this thing about Fat Bastard’s ass is hugeamongous,” said President Bush taking a quick break from eating birthday cake with Pope Benedict XVI.
Chevron has pledged two billion dollars to further develop a top-secret invention called the ‘Fat Bastard’s Anal High-Pressure High-Volume Linear Osmosis Conversion Valve.’ O’Reilly said Chevron is funding this as a humanitarian effort to save the planet. He has been assured that Rice University will use the funds to explore additional uses of flatulence. Rice University scientists are in discussions with Texas A&M to expand the use of this new scientific discovery for all other gaseous animals including bovines. L. Nicole Ross said Rice University will hold the patent on the anal valve.
Buddy Fat Bastard’s agent could not be reached for comment.
Chevron Corporation is one of the world’s leading integrated energy companies, with subsidiaries that conduct business across the globe and now in Fat Bastard’s gas.
Dirty Dog Daily has obtained an exclusive sex video tape featuring Paris Hilton’s teacup Chihuahua Tinkerbell and Austin Girl’s very own low-class and overweight refrigerator-repair dog Buddy “Fat Bastard” the Beagle.
The overly-sexual Beagle and his New York socialite bling-bling wearing bitch checked in over the weekend to the Bed and Woofass Posh Doggie Spa and Hotel located on Barton Springs Road in Austin, Texas. “The sick bastard recorded their dirty doggie -style hanky panky and left the shocking video tape in the player,” explained Stacey Stud Muffin, hotel manager.
A thirty-minute full-color video tape covered with sticky paw prints was found in the honeymoon suite.
“I plan on leaking this disturbing animalistic video footage over the Internet unless I can extort money from the Hiltons,” confessed Stacey Stud Muffin.
The Hilton Family has forbidden Tinkerbell to date overly-sexual Beagles. Fat Bastard’s agent could not be reached for comment.
By Austin Girl of the Dirty Dog Daily
Howard Dean, chairman of the Democratic National Committee, hired Republican Political Strategist Karl Rove’s favorite political dirty trickster specialist, part-time refrigerator repair dog and (Nixon-hold-over) Buddy “Fat Bastard” the Beagle to put on a ‘Hillary for President’ tee-shirt and go piss on John McCain’s leg during a national televised McCain speech.
But, the drunken, disoriented Fat Bastard screwed up his assignment while playing footsies with the New York Governor’s show dog only known as the “Governor’s Bitch,” and ended up at a Barack Obama rally where he accidentally humped Obama’s leg during a televised speech. Witnesses interpreted this as Hillary has the hots for Obama and will accept the vice-presidency.
Fat Bastard managed to stroll past Obama’s secret service detail while they were looking for white separatists from North Michigan at the Obama rally.
An unnamed party next to Hillary confirmed that she will leave Bill for Obama if the Reverend Jeremiah Wright will marry them. When asked about the situation, President George Bush chuckled, “Politics makes strange bed pardners, kinda like those two oil billionaire wannabes from Midland – Cy and Jack.”
Caught on film farting and humping Obama’s leg, Fat Bastard will guest on Fox’s own Geraldo at Large. Geraldo will delve into Buddy’s past, which he is rumored to be one of the lost boys from that West Texas compound. Details and film at ten. Fat Bastard’s agent, Sam Clester, could not be reached for comment. However; famous defense lawyer, F. Flea Daily told Geraldo that he had seen the tape and it was obviously a Blue Healer wearing a Beagle mask. He said his client will plead innocent at the arraignment.
F. Flea Daily agreed that Fat Bastard’s bail of five-dollars was an appropriate judicial decision considering whose leg his client humped.
Geraldo contacted Chevron’s CEO, David O’Reilly and asked if Chevron was considering dropping the charitable donation to Rice University for Fat Bastard’s ass device. “Our next board meeting is set for November 10, which will give us time to analyze the results of the election,” said O’Reilly.
Geraldo then snuck in an additional query to O’Reilly, “If McCain is elected, you’ll continue sponsoring Fat Bastard’s ass device, right?” O’Reilly replied, “No comment.”
If ya laughed and think Fat Bastard is friggin' funny...please tell everyone!
Fat Bastard absorbed the punch by blocking the blow with his opponent, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog’s face. The incident happened when the referee, Jackie Justice, called the two fighters to the center of the ring. Michael Buffer started to chime in with his familiar phrase, “Let’s Get Ready To Rumble” when Fat Bastard stole the microphone and completed the signature phrase adding “You Worthless Cigar-Smokin’ Pussy.”
Fat Bastard pounded Insult Comic Dog’s puny puppet face with two left jabs and a crushing right upper cut, leaving Insult Comic Dog collapsed in his corner like Rocky Raccoon. Fat Bastard then enjoyed smoking the cigar formerly puffed on by the Insult Comic Dog. Fat Bastard leaned over the ropes and proclaimed to the cheering crowd, ‘It ain’t Cuban.’ He then pointed to the front row seats and said to the owner of the Dallas Mavericks, “No offense Mark” and left the ring with the crowd chanting ‘Bass-tard, Bass-tard, Bass-tard.’
The much-anticipated heated showdown between the two fame-seeking dogs didn’t even make it to the opening bell of the first round. “This fight was better than Frazier vs. Ali,” chuckled Donald Trump as he rearranged his comb-over. Trump, who was sitting next to Paris Hilton’s bling-wearing bitch Tinkerbell, said he thought Fat Bastard was in a jealous rage.
The Geico lizard confirmed that Insult Comic Dog had been blowing kisses to Fat Bastard’s date Tinkerbell prior to the fight. “She’s puffed on more than a Cuban,” laughed the Geico lizard, who was seated in the red-carpet section labeled ‘phony-computer-generated celebrities’ and whose only claim to fame was speaking with a fake British accent and interrupting those auto insurance commercials. Insult Comic Dog’s press agent could not be reached for comment. Fat Bastard’s agent quit and is now representing the Geico lizard.
“Fat Bastard is a pantyholic,” confirmed Katie Holmes, Tom Cruise’s wife, who left the private party laden with eight grand worth of Chantilly-lace panties. Holmes then tossed Fat Bastard a pair of very expensive monogram panties trimmed with Swarovski crystals. “The Fat Bastard needs therapy,” admitted Cruise as he danced in front of Katie dressed only in white underwear and dark sunglasses playing air guitar.
Fat Bastard's agent could not be reached for comment because he quit during last week's episode in Vegas and is hanging out with the fake Geico lizard.
Former FBI (Female Beagle Inspector) and mafia wannabe, Buddy Fat Bastard, a.k.a. Fat Bastard busted a two-foot western diamondback rattlesnake right between the eyes with his .32 Seecamp backup pistol at Austin Girl’s 180-acre ranch late last night.
Fat Bastard’s .32 Seecamp
Two-Foot Western Diamondback Rattlesnake
Wea Wea the Jack Russell called for backup when she spotted the dangerous predator navigating through Austin Girl’s garden. It slithered up the wilted banana tree, hiding. The poisonous snake lingered and gazed at the ten-pound Jack Russell named after a fictitious French cartoon gay rabbit with a bad hair do.
WeaWea the Jack Russell
“I pulled out the concealed weapon from my convenient fat folds,” said Fat Bastard arrogantly as he reached around, scratching his ass.
Fat Bastard
Fat Bastard explained to the dumbfounded police officer how he managed to take down the snake with such a close shot. “Wea Wea toyed and tormented the Texas-size rattler, dunking and diving, while I fired off two shots. Bang, bang,” reported Fat Bastard. “Bitches are good at that, you know, tormenting,” he added casually while munching down on diamondback kabob.
Wea Wea (again)
Ballimore, MD—In an effort to convert Fat Bastard to an alternate lifestyle, the seventy-three-pound Beagle was lured to a gay dog infield party at the Preakness hosted by four drunken, horny California Supreme Court Justices with a penchant for gay dogs.
“Twenty gay dog race revelers held down Fat Bastard and tied a rainbow ribbon around his male junk, initiating him into their club,” reported Austin Girl. The gay dog revelers allowed Fat Bastard to take to his paws where he took off running with the Rainbow Riders in hot pursuit.
Fat Bastard entered the track, avoiding his pursuers. A stunned track announcer thinking the Preakness had begun started calling the race of what he assumed was the second jewel of the Triple Crown. Here is the call:
“They’re out of the gate, it’s Fat Bastard in the lead at the quarter pole. In second, Ass Sniffer closes in on Fat Bastard’s tail. In third is Ball Licker positioning himself for a lapping of Ass Sniffer. And, in fourth, Shit Eater looking for the pile. On the back stretch it’s Fat Bastard being goosed along by Ass Sniffer whose nose is firmly implanted in Fat Bastard’s ass. In third, it’s Ball Licker closing in on Ass Sniffer’s nuts. And in fourth, Shit Eater is hunting for the poop. At the three-quarter marker, as they round the final turn, it’s Fat Bastard finding a fourth gear and extracting himself from the nostrils of Ass Sniffer as Ball Licker moves into second. Half a length back in fourth is Shit Eater who’s gaining ground. And in the final stretch, it’s Fat Bastard trying to stay ahead of Ball Licker much to Ball Licker’s enjoyment, as Ball Licker hunts for the neutered Beagle’s nuts. The crowd hears Fat Bastard yell over his shoulder to Ball Licker, ‘they ain’t there dumbass.’ As Ass Sniffer drives Ball Licker to the rail with his fecal-coated snout, Shit Eater seizes the opportunity and moves into second and turns wide avoiding a crash. And, at the wire, it’s Fat Bastard by a rainbow ribbon. Shit Eater taking second with Ball Licker panting into third and Ass Sniffer leads the remaining field. These are gay dogs.”
Seeing the rainbow ribbon around Fat Bastard’s private parts, the announcer proclaimed Fat Bastard the winner of the first Prickness at a track record of two minutes and thirty-six seconds in front of eighteen-thousand screaming fans.
Fat Bastard stumbled to the winner’s circle where a mood-swinging French Poodle named the Governor’s Gal laid a bouquet of prickly pears around Fat Bastard’s neck. She asked Fat Bastard to describe the race. He said, “Ballimore is just like that county sheriff in the play called The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. I’m a country dog come to town. If I stand flat footed, they try and fuck me. And, if I take off running, they bite me in the ass.”
