An internationally acclaimed expert on conflict resolution and trauma recovery outlines her proven, seven-step program for shedding emotional baggage associated with loss, betrayal or resentment. Modifying the techniques she uses to resolve international conflict to address personal issues, she gives tools to break free of anger, bitterness, hurt and blame and to find a path to healing in a book on forgiveness. She demonstrates that in order to repair relationships we have to change our perceptions and recognize the humanness in others.
What struck me about this concept of forgiveness is that it takes seven steps to achieve forgiveness. Wow! I feel overwhelmed. If it takes seven steps to create forgiveness, I feel defeated before I start. A book proposing that it takes seven steps to achieve forgiveness is giving a powerful subliminal message. The subliminal message of a seven step program implies forgiveness is difficult, long and arduous, if not nearly impossible.
Facing the prospect of a seven step process is enough to induce most people to feel hopeless as they know their anger and bitterness runs deep. Many people are afraid to forgive because they believe they are giving up any hope of reconciliation or establishing justice. So they choose to hang onto the anger and the resentment until the other person meets their demands. Would you be interested in a method that is guaranteed to work without a long arduous process? There is one.
Forgiveness is a processone that is unique to each person. It might be a two step process for one person or simply taking a deep breath and remembering that we are all spiritual beings living in this density called a body.
The fundamental misunderstanding of forgiveness is that we think that forgiveness is something we do for the other person because we are superior to them or self-sacrificing and magnanimous. We believe the other person has done us harm, but, we, being the morally superior one, the more religious one; and, in our magnanimous generosity, forgive them.
Forgiveness is not for the other person, it is for oneself. We can find the truth of this in the meaning of the word בresentment. Resentment means to feel again. As long as we hold resentment we are feeling that hurt again and again and it keeps us from living, growing and understanding. It puts a damper on our lives. It saps our energy and clouds our perceptions.
The first time somebody hurts you in some manner, it is his/her responsibility/burden, but every time you allow that hurt to come into your soul after that, you bear responsibility/burden for it. Hatred, it has long been said, is a knife one wields by the blade. Forgiveness is something that one does for oneself, a way for one to go on with oneҒs life, to avoid having that other persons wrong-doing on your mind, robbing you of energy, robbing you of happiness, and continuing to yield the same amount of hurt over and over again.
All Spiritual practices are unanimous on this concept: The contraction of the heart that comes about because of resentment, of holding grudges, of the inability to let go of a ґwrong is inexplicably painful. And not only that, it is spiritually debilitating, because all of those traits and characteristics and potentials that we have within us that is the business of spirituality to bring forth in us: openness to others; a lack of self-confidence; the ability to reach out, maintaining a connection with ourselves at our deepest level, with other people at their essence, with this wonderful world, all those traits, the best parts of our nature, that spirituality at its best helps us to cultivate; all of those are crippled by resentment.
Another misunderstanding is that forgiveness and reconciliation occur simultaneously. It is wonderful if it does, but forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same. You can forgive someoneҗyou can let them back into your heart, you can understand that their behavior is not the whole of their personality and their personhood. You can understand what has occurred; you can see the misunderstandings that are there. Forgiveness is truly opening your heart to that person, but not necessarily having them in your life. It doesnt mean that you have to maintain the relationship. It means that you have healed the hurt they inflicted on you; that it is no longer commandeering your happiness; that you have taken back your power by understanding the flawed humanity of the other person and let them go from your heart and open yourself to wishing them well. If you do not feel safe having them back in your life, you can still forgive them.
Forgiveness is an act of healing your hurt without condoning the unskillful or hurtful acts of other people. In religious counseling, we are taught to ґturn the other cheek, or ґlet a by-gone be a by-gone. The spiritual meaning of turn the other cheek,ђ is to recognize the other persons behavior and avoid reacting in kind. Letting a by-gone be a by-gone means that we ґlet the other person off the hook. This, not only, will not work, it causes another layer of harm to the person, who is struggling with the hurt from another person. It is difficult for human beings to forgive if one is allowing themselves to be continually harmed. The task of setting boundaries and stopping the person from hurting you is formidable, but possible. Many people have forgiven and established a friendship with people who have killed or gravely harmed their loved one. This is testimony that forgiveness is a natural part of the human experience if we forgive for ourselves rather than forgiving for the other person.
Forgiveness is a process. It is not an act of will to forgive. Saying, ғI forgive you, when you have had little time to process the egregious act you experienced is foolhardy and seldom works. Forgiveness is an act of grace after having adequate time to process the experience; not an act of will and it is something each person needs to arrive to in their own time and process. It is unrealistic to expect one to ґwill oneself to forgive, but one can be willing to forgive. That is an important distinction. One can be willing to forgive by letting go, allowing the heart time to understand, soften and open again, because keeping the heart closed hurts every aspect of your beingҗmind, body and spirit.
Begin the process of forgiving with positive self-talk. I am a loving, giving, caring person.Ӕ What (fill in the name of the person who harmed you) did has no reflection on who I am, what I am about and what I have to offer.Ӕ I will remain relaxed and focused on who I am, what I am about and what I have to offer.Ӕ I will effortlessly and easily resist all temptation to hold onto anger and resentment toward (fill in the personӒs name).
The choice is yoursԗyou will forgive effortlessly and easily when you decide your peace of mind is more important than holding anger and resentment. You can forgive immediately or later and effortlessly and easily. Just do it. You deserve to live a healthier life with peace of mind.
Dorothy M. Neddermeyer, PhD, author, 101 Great Ways To Improve Your Life, motivational speaker and inspirational leader specializes in: Mind, Body, Spirit healing and Physical/Sexual Abuse Prevention and Recovery. Dr. Neddermeyer empowers people to view life’s challenges as an opportunity for Personal/Professional Growth and Spiritual Awakening. http://www.drdorothy.net
