Sex
Current mood: depressed
Category: Romance and Relationships

When a person is insecure, sex seems to be the answer to their problems. They feel wanted, desired. Sex becomes more of a pick-me-up of self acceptance. If someone else wants me, then I must be desireable. I must be worthy.
People speak of intimicy, and it is so foreign to me. Sex is about feeling good, but not connection. Rarely (and it has happened) do I feel that spark. Most of the time, it's just an internal need to feel wanted and loved. When a man's focusing on you and having sex with you, you're wanted. Even if he's just using you for sex, you're wanted.
I'd love to have the intimacy that so many speak of. Before I believed that it didn't exist and the people that spoke of this were just trying to make their lives seem better than they were. But, now, I'm starting to think that it's the fact that I have sex for acceptance. That's why there is no intimacy. I'm looking for phywical reassurance that I'm wanted. I get that, then wonder why there is no intimacy in my life.
How does one start to see themselves in a different light? Insecurity is a big issue. I don't see myself as a "desireable" person. Even when someone is having sex with me, it's like "are you that desperate?".
I don't understand these feeligns. I want to.

Saturday

Inside of me
Current mood: bored
Category: Life

I realized recently that the unhappiness in my life is me, not those around me. The person that I choose to be with has little effect on my ability to be satisfied with my life.

The man I married is brilliant in a lot of ways. He's a schmuck, too. He has no idea about emotions and feelings of a woman. He deals in facts and figures and never does anything based off emotion. He needs facts and reasons and answers that I so rarely have available.

How did I end up with him? He's stable. He won't leave me. He won't find another woman that will make him feel better than I do. It's not because of my amazing talents or that I'm so wonderful that I can't be outdone, it's the fact that it's just how he is. I've got nothing to do with it.

I'll admit it. I have the ability to get under some people's skin. It's like I sneak in when they aren't looking and then I'm there. In the past, I've used this to my advantage. I have a confidence that is rarely matched and people either love me or hate me. When you fall in love with me, it's for good. I'm addictive and make people feel loved. It's compassion, understanding, and acceptance all rolled into one. Men have said I'm amazing in the bedroom. Not because I have a special talent or because I'm somehow better at it than the next girl, it's just because I sense what people need and give it to them.

One of my recent failures is trying to have a relationship with women. I'm too honest for most women. I don't play the game of pampering when one feels down. I don't have a lot of sympathy. I never run out of things to say, but I rarely have pity. I'm cold and hard, but have compassion. It's a mix that is rare and understated. If you're wrong, I'll call you on it. Another reason women and I don't get along is I'm not vain. I am who I am. I'm not fat, I'm not skinny. I'm not ugly and I'm not pretty. I have beautiful eyes and a killer smile, when it comes out. I love to laugh, but you have to work for it. Rarely do people make me laugh just for the hell of it.

I know more trivia than any one person should. I can't do algebra. I love animals and don't always know what I want. I love fast motorcycles and miss being with a man that has one.

I drink way too much Dr Pepper. I despise vegetables. I smoke too much. I refuse to drink in public with my little sister. One night ruined that for her. I just bring it up and she starts laughing.

I express myself through writing and music. I rarely write anymore, no time for it. It's draining and exhausting. Music helps me to express myself when words can't. I drive too fast and listen to my music too loud.

I don't have the ability to bear anymore children. No more lost pregnancies. One living child. I can't stand wife beaters. Rapists make me sick. I wish I could go back to the day when I got raped and turn around and take the rage I feel inside...give it to the man that hurt me. He's at home tonight, at home in Amarillo and living a normal life. He's registered as a sex offender, but he gets to tuck his kids into bed and kiss them goodnight. I'll never forget my daughter's screams while he was raping me and he gets to sing his daughter and son a lullaby. Yes, my daughter will never remember that tragic day, but I will never forget.

I remember the first time I heard my daughter's cry. I was lying on a table, my abdomen sliced open...and a voice sent from heaven. I remember thinking how loud it was. I cried. Now when she cries, I cry.

The life I wanted to live is a memory. The life I live is one step at a time. The pain of my past shapes my future, but no longer rules the present. The people I have hurt forgive and I try to forgive myself. Those that hurt me can release the pain, all is gone.

Throughout my life, many things have been taken. I've been given many gifts. Life goes on, even if we don't want it to. I've contemplated suicide. What would my kids do? What would my father do?

I've come to learn life is not all about me, but I do matter. Happiness is a choice I make. I choose to be happy, just have to figure out how to get there.

Wondering
Current mood: determined
Category: Life

What effect does one person have on the world? If I never showed up, how many people's lives would be effected? Did I use the right effect? Affect? Hell if I know and tonight it's not that important. But, anyways, back to my point.

I wrote a blog on my other profile on being political. I'm not political. I'm much too "in your face" for that. But, I started wondering if one person really can make a difference. But, wandering down that road has led me here. Mindless ramblings to some, but it's important to me. How is it that little 'ol me has touched so many and how many people would be different if I'd never have walked the earth.

What responsibility do I have for things that have happened? I've done good as well as bad. I've hurt and been wounded. But, at the end of the day... who would be somewhere else, if I'd not been in their path. Where would my first husband be if I'd never have met him that fateful day? We got married six months after we started dating. I was still in high school. He dropped out of college shortly after our marriage. Would he have finished if I'd not come along. Our son would have never been born. So much pain would have been spared.

My parents would probably have a lot less gray hair. My twin sister would know the reality of individuality unlike she's never known. She's her own person, but we've always been grouped together or compared.

My kids would not be. Well, my stepdaughter would be here, but she'd not know me.

I wish I'd never been born. It's a thought that I've often thought. I know it's immature and impossible, but what if? Where would those around me be? Who would they be? The pain I've caused has changed others. It's not about me, yet all about me.

I guess the next time I start worrying that I'm not useful...I'll remember that I've done a lot of harm, but I've also done a lot of good. I need to start concentrating on the latter, then next time I think about it...I'll remember how cool I am.

Games, games, and more games...Thanks, Josh
Current mood: groggy
Category: Games

Leave your name...

1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle you in.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5. I'll tell you my first memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something I've always wondered about you.
8. If you do this you MUST post this on yours. You MUST. It is written.

Thursday,

What if's
Current mood: sad
Category: Romance and Relationships

How do you stop wondering about the what if's in a past relationship? When life starts to lull, I tend to get diestracted with what if's. How do I keep from doing that? I know it's not healthy and at times it's an uncontrollable urge to contact the person that I used to be with. I'm speaking of someone particular and I've promised myself I wuoldn't contact him, but I want to so bad that I'm afraid I'm getting close to breaking that promise to myself. Not a good idea. He's the one person that could take me away from here.

9:24 PM - 4 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Wednesday, 

Sex with women. Very explicit. I warned you.
Current mood: good
Category: Romance and Relationships

1) AVOIDING her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.

** Hard to argue with this logic.

2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.
Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.

**More than just hurt...it's annoying. Women love to hear you breathing in their ear, just not blowing.

3) NOT SHAVING.
You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.

** Not always true. Sometimes it's erotic to feel the stubble against your face and a lot of times it's a lot more erotic to feel it against your....well, kitty.

4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST.
Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.

**Again good logic, but sometimes (usually during mad sex) it feels good to have them done this way.

5) BITING HER NIPPLES.
Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a dogie toy isn't.

**Couldn't agree more.

6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.
Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.

**No one's ever been stupid enough to try this on me, so can't comment.

7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY.
A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.

**A lot of times insecure women prefer the direct approach. It's embarassing to have someone focus on the other regions and when you're embarassed, you're not enjoying yourself.

8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED.
Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.

**Best way to remove underwear is to use two fingers, one on each hip. Slip under the top of the underwear and pull down. Don't try to use your teeth. It never works the way it does in porn. A man taking off your underwear is very erotic and a huge turn on. Just don't try to show off while doing it.

9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.
Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.

**Yup. And, if there's a wet spot and you want to make her feel really special...take it like a man.

10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.
Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.

**Where did you get this information? Both are good..just have to pay attention to the woman and follow her lead. Timing is everything with this.

11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK.
Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

**Good point, but if you need a break, try not sucking for a while or licking or talking to her. That gives you a break from the hard sucking and keeps her there with you.

12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY.
Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.

**When undressing a woman, remember how you undressed your kid. It's considerate and appreciated when a man pulling a shirt over your head remembers to place his hand inside the neck of your shirt to stretch it so it doesn't smash your face in. Never grab the bottom of a shirt and jerk upwards. It hurts and usually we get annoyed. On pants/skirts...don't just undo them and let them fall to the ground. It's sexy as hell when a man undoes your pants and slowly eases them down while kissing all the way down.

13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY.
Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.

**Good point. And, if you happen to give her a wedgie, remember to be a gentleman and remove it for her. Sounds bad, but gently run your fingers along the outside leg of the panties and slowly move from the top of the panties to the crotch. It's sexy and she gets to feel your hands on her ass and it's very considerate.

14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.
Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried
away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.

*Well said.

15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY.
You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.

*Good point. Also, if you find a knot, don't try to work it out. If we say ouch, don't make a big deal...just move on and ask if that's better. If you use oil and you want to make it really sensual, breathe on her skin after you've applied the oil and rubbed it in. It's sexy, I promise. But, like before...no blowing hard or panting.

16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY.
Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.

*And never ask a woman if she wants you to take your pants off. We feel put on the spot and uncomfortable. Oh, and leave your socks on. It's never sexy to watch a man take his socks off and it takes away from the moment. And, don't think you can be sly and use your feet to do it. That's just annoying.

17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST.
A man in socks and underpants is a at his worst. Lose the socks first.

*See above. But, if you must remove your socks, do it while you have her attention on something else. Don't do the quick slide in reverse on the carpet. That's distracting and the woman's liable to laugh.

18) GOING TOO FAST.
When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.

*Watch her face to gauge her reaction. If she's looking at you, she's more than likely enjoying herself. If she's looking over to the side or above your head...avoiding looking at you, she's either bored or thinking about someone/something else. Change what you are doing immediately. And, don't say "Look at me".

19) GOING TOO HARD.
If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.

**Especially if you are a skinnier man. That is the most sensitive area of our body. Try to remember that. If your hipbones stick out, it's likely to be uncomfortable either way. So don't make it any worse than it has to be. If she pulls away just a little bit, try to go a little easier. If you are getting close and feel you must thrust hard, then place your hand on her clit so that there is a barrier between her and you. You get to bang and you don't bang nearly as hard on her.

20) COMING TOO SOON.
Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.

*Good plan. But, if you just don't have it in you to stay up, touch her. Don't lie there and say how sorry you are.

21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH.
It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.

**Agree totally. But, if you'll pay attention to her facial expressions, you'll see when she's starting to get bored. Take a break. Go at it again later. You'll live.

22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME.
You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask.

**GREAT advice.

23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY.
Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.

**Heh. Yes, but remember you're not trying to remove parts of her body. Find a happy medium.

24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN.
Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.

**Women want to hear what you want. I agree that the hand on the back of the head thing is the biggest turn off and with me almost ensures no head, but if a man whispers about how he would love to feel my mouth down there, it's erotic and I want to please him, so I'm likely to do it. Even when she's down there, don't put your hand on the back of her head and shove it in. It's wonderful to have a hand on the back of your head, in your hair...but we don't want direction. If we do, we'll ask. I promise.

25) NOT SHAVING PT.2
Men seem to like women to be shaved down below. That's fine. But women like that too. That doesn't mean you have to shave it bare (although, that would be nice), but at least keep it neat and trimmed. There's nothing that turns a girl off more than looking at a penis sticking out of a forest.

**Yup.

26) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.
Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's necessary.

**But try not to be crude about it. Don't make remarks like "Are you ready to take it all, bitch?" Then we just want to make sure it is done. There's a time and place for that, but not when there's a penis in our mouth. Don't make a huge deal out of it, either. Just gently moan and say "I'm about to cum" or something of that nature. She'll hear you and prepare herself. Don't ask if she's ready. I have yet to meet a woman that ENJOYS the taste of cum. We do it for you, so have a heart and try to make it better for us.

27) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO.
Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head.

**Running hands through hair isn't grabbing.

28) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES.
In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do.

**Finally!! Someone who's honest.

29) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES.
Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.

*And, if she seems to be getting tired, lift your hips up (unless she's too heavy) and grasp her hips and you do some of the work. If she's too heavy, change positions. Don't throw her off of you, but pull her to you and roll over with her. Also, we know you like watching our boobs while we do this, but remember that we have faces as well. I'm sure they look great, but we're not a circus act performing for you.

30) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse.

**Or test her out with a finger. If you've had experience with the partner it's a lot easier. Lightly skim your finger over it and if she tenses up, move on. Don't even ask.

31) TAKING PICTURES.
When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words "__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.

**Or ask her and a girlfriend to take pictures. That way she feels like she's giving you the best she can. And, reassure her that it's only for your viewing pleasure and mean it. It's obvious to a woman when another friend has seen her pictures. They treat her different. I promise. Some of them are even stupid enough to joke about it. It's a very private thing. Don't make her feel stupid or you're never likely to get it again from her.

32) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH.
Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.

**Be careful with the honey and syrups. Too much is sticky and not sexy at all. Don't make her into a buffet, either. If you're busy eating, then she'll get bored. On the ice...don't use it so much that it makes things go numb. We'll get bored then. We can't feel the bad, but we can't feel the good either. Feathers...if she's ticklish, avoid. Being tickelled isn't funny. It's sure as hell not sexy.

33) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS.
There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.

**We all have some baggage. It's bound to happen. Don't make a big deal out of it or she's going to get self-concious and then you'll have one hell of a time getting her off. If it does happen, suck it in and straighten your position before you thrust again. Don't stop to do it, just make sure that you do it so it doesn't happen again.

34) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES.
If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.

**If you know she's flexible, you can go a bit further. But, remember that having your legs behind your neck is NOT sexy for a woman. It's amazing for a man and those of us who can do it don't mind doing it every once in a while as a favor. But....don't ask for it or expect it every time. We'll get tired of it really fast.

35) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE.
Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don't.

**Some anal stimulation is good. It's gross, so we don't like to think about it. But, don't dwell on it, either. It does feel good but not when a man becomes obsessed with it.

36) GIVING LOVE BITES.
It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.

**Agreed. Hickies are never sexy, not even in Jr High. Don't mark her. It's rude and it's likely she'll not be appreciative if you start to kiss on her neck because the first thing she will remember is how you left marks. Hint: Using your tounge and pushing is almost as effective as sucking.

37) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS.
Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.

**Whispered fantasies and instructions are a turn on. But, don't demand anything. Please.

38) TALKING DIRTY.
It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know.

**Yup.

39) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES.
You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.

**But, if she seems content or even tells you, don't push it. Sometimes (just like men) we're content having our partner satisified. Don't make it into a big deal. She'll feel insecure and it'll be even harder for her to cum.

40) SQUASHING HER.
Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.

**Especially after we just got done having sex. We want to feel your weight, it's very sexy. Just fall to the side and lie partly on her. We want to feel you close, but not so that it's hard to breathe.

41) THANKING HER.
Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.

**But don't discount telling her how great it was. Don't exaggerate and tell her how she's the best you ever had. Even if she is, she'll not believe you when she's lying there naked. Tell her at a time when she's not expecting it. It'll go over a whole lot better. Don't go on and on about how amazing it was. She knows. Even if it sucked for her, she knows you had a great time. I promise.

Tuesday, 

Where's the GD line?
Current mood: pissed off
Category: Life

Being a step parent is hard. You never know when/where the lines are going to show up. Step daughter came home from school today and instead of doing her homework, she turned on the TV. I ask her about it, she says she watched TV. Hubby asks what is wrong. I ask him if he's going to do anything abuot it. He says "What do you want me to do". Then he says "Don't come to me with a problem if you don't have a solution". Why is it more my job to be a parent to her than it is his?

Halloween --
Current mood: blah
Category: Life

The days of carefree fun on Halloween are gone. Why is that? I remember I used to look forward to getting all dressed up. Now it seems like such a pain in the ass to do all that work. Am I lazy now? It seems like so much to do, that it's not even worth it. I have to get my kids dressed up, but I'm not willing to go through the extra effort for myself. There's no one that will see me dressed up, besides my family.

Is this laziness? What is it that makes me not care about these things anymore? I used to be over the top on things like Halloween. I was the life of the party. But, nowadays, I just sit back and look at it as just another day.

We carved pumpkins last night. The kids had a blast but it seemed to be just something else that had to be done. Is this depression or am I just a busy mom? Do other moms feel this way? What is the cure? Is there a cure?

Do men feel the same way? Like part of them is gone, to never return. The part of them that enjoys just laying back and watching the world happen. It's like I don't have time for all of that. Someone needs something and it's up to me to provide whatever "it" is.

Is this being grown up? Not having moments where you're crazy and doing whatever pops into your head? Where bills and school and work are what make up your days?

I guess I'm just sad because I don't care if it's Halloween or not. It's just another day to me.

Sunday, October 29

Two pink lines
Current mood: envious
Category: Life

The number one guy on my list just found out he's having a baby. Part of me is happy for him, the other part of me feels like yet another injustice has been done against me. This makes absolutely no snese, whatsoever, as I have never even had a conversation with him. I've read his blogs and posted comments, but never spoken with him. He's never spoken to me.

I guess it's the fact that I can't have another child. It's like when I hear of someone else having a baby, instead of being happy for them, I feel sorry for myself. I want another child, but it can not be. There has yet to be a baby born of the woman without a womb.

My apologies to Josh. It's not personal. It's just that there is this hurt inside of me and it must go somewhere. I don't know how to deal with the anger, frustration of wanting another child and knowing that it will never be.

One friend said that I'm mourning the loss of hope. Every time I used to have sex, there was always that little thrill afterwards that there is a chance that I just conceived. Now every time I have sex, I'm reminded that there will never be another pregnancy.

I've been blessed in that sense. I've been pregnant 12 times. Seems like a lot and that I should live in a shoe. But, I only have one living child. She's a miracle. Even her doctors will tell you that she's not supposed to be here. In theory, I'm not even supposed to have the one that I do. The Lord was looking out for me and he gave me her.

I guess it's selfish to want another one. I have a nine year old stepdaughter that views me as her mother. I have my little one that loves me more than life itself. She's a true mommy's girl. But, I want more kids. This pain doesn't go away and I apologize that it affects people that find out the best news in the world.

I just don't want to hurt every time I hear someone else's good news. How do I accomplish that?