NonViolent Communication by Marshal Rosenberg

Image by Melanie Schwolert

Special thanks to BigIdeasGrowingMinds for creating this great video!

Today’s big idea comes from Marshall Rosenberg and his pioneering book Nonviolent Communication as always we hope we can inspire you and help you grow your mind and motivate you to be the best you can be. In the book, Rosenberg shares with us a better way of communicating with others. He calls it nonviolent communication a language of life.

Communication is a fundamental building block of everyday life. If we want to function well in society we need to learn to communicate effectively with the people surrounding us.

Often when we communicate with others irrational conflicts and misunderstandings arise and we end up leaving conversations feeling disregarded or in despair, this is where non-violent communication enters the stage.

At its core is the belief that all human beings have the capacity for compassion and empathy. We only resort to harmful behavior when we don’t identify more effective strategies. The purpose of non-violent communication is to help us connect with ourselves and others in a way that makes compassion given natural. It is not about convincing people to do what we want, but to create a connection with another person where everyone’s needs are met.

Nonviolent communication is a way to resolve differences peacefully. It is all about empathetic listening and honest expression. It teaches us to understand and express our feelings and to hear our own deeper needs and those of others. It evolves around two fundamental questions.

Number 1

What is alive in you… or put another way, what are you feeling?

Number 2

What would make your life more wonderful? Meaning what unfulfilled needs do you have that I can help you meet?

It seems straightforward, but expressing emotions and needs is not easy. Many of us have never learned to acknowledge our own feelings. We have grown up being told things like boys aren’t scared, or girls shouldn’t get angry and as a result, many people hide how they actually feel even from themselves.

Nonviolent communication helps us to communicate our feelings clearly. Nonviolent communication distinguishes between real expression of emotions and statements which are in fact descriptions of what we are thinking not what we are feeling. Let us give you a couple of examples where people think they are expressing a feeling when in fact they are expressing an opinion a criticism or a moral judgment.

Number 1

When I feel is followed by that like or as if. For example…

“I feel like you should know better.”

Number 2

When I feel is used together with pronouns. For example…

“I feel I am constantly working.”

Number 3

When I feel is used with names or nouns. For example…Referring to people…

I feel Amy has acted irresponsibly.

None of these statements is actually letting the other person know what you are feeling. Instead you should simply name the emotion you are feeling without any judgment. For example…

“I feel sad because or I feel angry since.”

And so on… expressing our feelings clearly is very important, but we need to also express the need behind the feeling by making a clear request of what we want from the other person.

Judgments criticisms and interpretations of others are all estranged expressions of our needs and when we use them we imply that the person in front of us is behaving wrongly when in fact, we all know is that the person isn’t acting according to our beliefs and values. If someone says you never listen to me it is them telling you that their need to be heard is not being met. But because the statement is made as a judgment the recipient is likely to hear criticism and criticism often leads to self-defense and counter-attacking instead of understanding.

The more directly we can connect our feelings and our needs the easier it is for others to respond compassionately. So focus on your own needs instead of on what is wrong with others. Imagine an interaction between two colleagues Alan and Bart… They have a meeting scheduled for 1 p.m. Alan arrives to the meeting on time Bart, however, doesn’t arrive until 1:15 p.m. leaving Alan frustrated as soon as Bart enters the room. Alan blurts out it is really annoying that you are always late for meetings, you are an irresponsible person. If Alan was familiar with non-violent communication the conversation could go like this instead…

“I feel angry because you are late. I would like to start the meeting on time since it will otherwise disrupt my calendar for the rest of the day. Can I please ask you to be on time for our next meeting?”

Nonviolent communication also teaches us that we cannot be responsible for each other’s feelings, but we can be responsible for how we choose to react. Let’s end the video with a tip on how to best express our needs instead of expressing our needs with a kick-me attitude that implies that they are a burden. Rosenberg suggests that we use a Santa Clause attitude showing the world that our needs are a precious gift.

We hope you have enjoyed this video on Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication.